You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.

Your boat has not left the driveway (or front yard) in 15 years.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

Birds are attracted to your beard.

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

You've ever a hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You're ever given rat traps as gifts.

You clean your fingernails with a stick.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You have every episode of Hee-haw on tape.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You're considered an expert on wormbeds.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.

You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

You have ever used lard in bed.

You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.

You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper entertainment.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

The primary color of your car is Bondo.

Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

You owe your taxidermist more than your annual income.

You ever lost a tooth opening a bottle.

Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

You see no need to stop at a rest stop, 'cause you have an empty milk jug.

You consider the fifth grade your senior year.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.

You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.

You consider gravel "Home Improvement."